NEVER CROSSED MY MIND

Never crossed my mind
That I’ll wake up from this long reverie
Never crossed my mind
That now I have to face reality

Never crossed my mind
That I’ll be talking to it right in the face
Never crossed my mind
that struggling I will be

Never crossed my mind
that I’m capable of such reaction
Never crossed my mind
that I have that deep affection

Never crossed my mind
that the numbness I have would create such impression
Never crossed my mind
that attachment to the impression will lead to such affection

Never crossed my mind
that I will have this reaction to such passion
Never crossed my mind
that I will be ridiculously senseless

Never crossed my mind
that no matter I affirm of the love I have borne to have
… I will respond this way to such utterance of one very deep feeling
Never crossed my mind
That as I deny what I feel I will utterly be this insane
…as I fret about the what if’s, and the should’ves

Never crossed my mind
That I will be this harshly affected
Never crossed my mind
That it’d be this long and lingering

Never crossed my mind
That I will be seeking for help as I struggle
Never crossed my mind
That I’ll proclaim, shout, cry, detest, repulsed to it

What crossed my mind
Is that something I wouldn’t know will happen to me
If I will truly declare what I have inside
I was fearful, I was ashamed, I was disgusted
But I felt relieved… then,
now I felt disturbed, aaaaahhhh!

What crossed my mind
And I know of it
Is that all I did was to express my affection …
Love I knew not where it borders
But I believe it is inside me
Waiting, wanting to be announced
It is inside me as I have experienced it
From the love people borne for me

Never crossed my mind
That I will be this humanly crazy
in this crazy worldly affection
but…

What crossed my mind
even before I felt this craziness
is that forever I will be loved
by Someone truly faithful,
unconditional, non-constraining, freeing
a love forever there to fill me until I want no more.

DELAYED REPLAYS

( A Reflection on the Article The Second Journey, by Gerald O’ Collins )
… second journeys bring a search for new meaning, fresh values and different goal…

Delayed replays had been old hat. We all have the privilege of viewing treasured events in our life be it in sports—basketball greats or boxing, or a momentous celebration—birthdays and weddings, name it and we can have instant copies of this electronically saved memories and mementos. We can have a second look at all of these classics and favorites. Yes, we can have another glance at our lives but not living it again. We are just allowed to have second journeys.

I would often associate life that of a journey, a voyage but it’s just now that I encountered that life offers still an opportunity for second journeys. And change my outlook, it will. For I will surely enter this much deeper journey, a journey of deeper relationship, prayer and encounter of God.

Second journeys are specific moments where in we are amidst the experience of restlessness that keeps us on traveling in the hope that we will find solutions, answers to whatever is causing these agitations. Agitation that makes me seek out what I want more out of life. Agitations that flood my mind with questions as what I ought to do for Him? Yes, second journeys are realities— the reality is that of my journey, my voyage in this life. The reality that I will have to live with the questions of my life that may seemingly be unanswered, that I will face and encounter storms and trials, that there will be times that my countenance be shaken, that there will be fearful times.

This journey is finding myself where I really am in my life. And this reality is never new to me in my seminary formation for my journey here is never easy, there is calmness and turbulence. It is like claiming this phrase that “In life, in whichever boat one finds oneself one must row”. And I claim that the boat I am in right now is the formation. In claiming this I am bound to have this deeper journey within myself and see more meaningfully how I live, see my value and worth as a person. A journey of deeper relationship—of gratefulness to the persons who made me and molded me to be what I am now. And a journey where I find myself having this prayer, uniquely mine in my encounter of God.

But this journey never promises that my life will be beautiful, that the boat I am in right now will never encounter storms. Yes, there will be turbulence. Turbulence in the form of questions about life that I never run out of, that there would be times that I would muse to God whenever I am beset by doubts that he has abandoned me, why does he allow such things to happen to me. But in someway these questions seem to find their answers as I continue to live. Unfolding in front of me piecing together the puzzles of my life. And there will be times that my faith is shaken, doubts would prevail. But I continue still to row in spite and despite of these seemingly squalls and storms for I know that I am not alone.

The image of a journey turns up legends. My journey, my voyage in the sea of life has no legend to boast, but it is a journey that promises much than what I expected. And the promise is that God is in control. He is the one who mans the sail. What keeps me believing this is the fact that He never called me to go where he does not lead. So, as I continue to row I have realized that I am not the only one holding the rudder. Someone will help me when maneuvering seems tough.

It is interesting to note our character as humans that if we already know what we will encounter along the way on the outset of the journey, many of us wouldn’t dare starting it. We will never get anywhere. But I believe it is the mystery of God’s will that the future is written in invisible ink. It becomes clearer as I experience it, when it becomes the present. This merely shows that God has his own way of revealing to me whatever he wants me to know and learn about life. Whatever struggle he wants me to encounter for my growth­ in faith and trust in him. And whatever questions he wants me to seek for the answer as I continue to live. He allowed me to have these storms for me to see the value of my helplessness, my weakness which finds consolation, comfort and strength in Him. This is His promise. The humanly possible way that I have to do is to cling in hope and trust in Him with faith for I will overcome. God is always in control. Yes, I have my reality but it is placed there before me for me to simply get out there and see what stuff I am made of.

So, in this boat that I am in right now I just have to row. And though I might face many storms along the course of my life, through a turmoil of feelings and experiences, I will find my true choice and genuine destination. All I need to have is nothing less than a steady willingness to be enlightened by God’s Spirit to safeguard my choice. And this is of course by the means of prayer—nothing less than a prayerful experience of God. This can ensure that the second journey will lead somewhere in the end. Whatever storms I might encounter in coming there I will be willing to face it. For the Lord is there to calm the waves. I know this. I believe this, for I no longer am afraid of storms, for because of the storms I am learning how to sail the boat I am in. I just have to trust and keep faith.
Yeah, delayed replays had been old hat. I have the privilege of viewing my favorite series before of Love Boat’s and Star Trek’s voyages and sails I can have instant copies of this electronically saved memories and mementos. But my life is not like this I can only have a second look at it but not living it again. I am just allowed to have second journeys.

ENDSPOT

Thoughts welling
Flooding my mind
Heart revolting
Aching inside

Core and wits detached
Ends don’t meet
Could not reconcile
Gap so narrow
Yet to meld
Elusively harsh

Lured to silence
Loneliness dwells
Diversion tempts
Sweetly abide

Seemingly fed
Yet never fades
Whatever’s within
I can never hide
Have to claim it to subside

Declare, claim, accept
Struggle to do
‘cause pain may linger
Hurt may whisper
Muted cries trigger
Heaving and breathless
May not disappear

Stubborn wit
Hardened core
Cast over me
A spell to conceal not restore

I know not
The scope I will encompass
To utter pent-up emotions
Excruciating rupture

Oh, how sweet the pain
Keeping, creeping within
Oh, how desperate it may seem
But in my wont
I am wanting
To burst what’s within
Waiting for that moment
Come to steam

May it be sooner
For I do not know
When can I hold
This upsurge of emotions that lingers
I can no longer cuddle

May it be freeing
Might it be secluding?
Yet in my wanting
I wont

The end I seek…
But hoping and wanting
that the means to this end…
might not be my ending.

"Once you learn to die, you learn how to live."

"Once you learn to die, you learn how to live."

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

Who would've thought that this book on death was a wake-up call showing people how to live? "Tuesdays With Morrie" first snags its reader with its charming premise. Middle-aged Mitch Albom, yes the author of the book, catches a clip on television about a past college teacher inflicted with ALS, and sure to die within the year. Albom is deeply moved to visit his teacher, Morrie Schwartz. The book traces each meeting of Albom and Schwarz. Each is a class taught by the elder. "The subject was the Meaning of Life. It was taught from experience." The magic of "Tuesdays With Morrie" lies in the way Schwarz speaks so simply, with such a deep sense of humility for one who has accomplished so much. Even more inspiringly, the novel is a true story. "Tuesdays With Morrie" definitely deserves to be read over and over again.

from TUEDAYS WITH MORRIE By Mitch Albom